RE: Hide and Seek
by Bankotsubo
Summary: Chris, Jill, Barry, Claire and Leon all have an exciting game of Hide and Seek.


DISCLAIMER: Capcom 4 Resident Evil -- Resident Evil 4 Capcom  
  
  
Resident Evil: Hide and Seek  
  
EXT. MANSION - EVENING  
  
CHRIS, JILL, LEON AND CLAIRE are hanging around outside the mansion.  
  
CHRIS  
"Barry? Where's Barry?!"  
  
JILL  
"Inside the mansion..."  
  
CHRIS  
"Oh, yeah! What IS he doing in there anyway?"  
  
LEON  
"That's what I wanna know. He seemed awfully eager to get rid of us tonight."  
  
CLAIRE  
"Maybe he has a lady friend over?"  
  
CHRIS  
"Don't be silly, Claire! Barry Burton is a married man! He'd never cheat on his wife like that."  
  
LEON  
"I would. She's an ugly biotch."  
  
CLAIRE  
(Angry)  
"Leon!"  
  
LEON  
"Oh, Claire! You're so hot when you get mad! Lemme take you 'round back and give you a stuffin'!"  
  
CLAIRE  
(Giggles)  
"Oh, Leon!"  
  
They both run off behind the mansion.  
  
CHRIS  
(Panicing)  
"Oh, God! Cover your ears!"  
  
JILL  
"Why?"  
  
CLAIRE (O.S)  
"Oh, Leon! Oh, oh, oh, yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, harder, Leon, harder! Oh, oh, yes! Oh, yes!"  
  
LEON (O.S)  
"Damn! Damn, damn, damn! Oh, fuck! Jesus Christ! Shit! Yeah, Claire, yeah! Oh, shit!"  
  
CHRIS  
"That's why."  
  
BARRY (O.S)  
"Chris? Jill? Is that you?"  
  
CHRIS  
"Barry? Where's Barry?!" (Classic line, huh?)  
  
BARRY (O.S)  
"I'm calling you from inside the mansion. I'm right behind this door."  
  
JILL  
"Barry, can we come in now?"  
  
BARRY (O.S)  
"Well, you have been waiting out there for the past six hours..."  
  
CHRIS  
"Yeah, we've already missed The Simpsons, King of the Hill, Family Guy, Futurama and South Park!"  
  
JILL  
"Oh, Chris! You and your animated adult entertainment! When will it end?!"  
  
CHRIS  
(Banging the door)  
"Let us in, dammit!"  
  
BARRY (O.S)  
"Alright. Stand back. I'm going to kick this door down."  
  
JILL  
(Sigh)  
"You don't have to do that, Barry. Just grab the knob and pull."  
  
BARRY (O.S)  
"Jill?"  
  
JILL  
"Just do it!"  
  
BARRY (O.S)  
"Mmm, yeah. Mmm, oh yeah. Oh, Jill, Claire, Rebecca, Ada, Sherry!"  
  
JILL  
"Barry?! What ARE you doing in there?!"  
  
BARRY (O.S)  
"...You said to grab my knob and pull."  
  
JILL  
"..."  
  
CHRIS  
"Sick..."  
  
CLAIRE (O.S)  
"Yes! Leon, you're the best! Oh, suck them! Suck them! My nipples are SO hard!"  
  
CHRIS  
(Continued)  
"...bastard."  
  
INT. MANSION - EVENING  
  
Chris, Jill, Claire and Leon are now all inside the hall. BARRY is there with them.  
  
BARRY  
"I'm so glad you're all safe. The countryside is dangerous, don't you know?"  
  
CHRIS  
"What were you doing here all night?"  
  
BARRY  
"...You really want to know?"  
  
JILL  
"Yes, please, Barry."  
  
BARRY  
"I'm afraid I cannot tell you. It will only discriminate my actions further."  
  
CHRIS  
"O-O-Okay..."  
  
BARRY  
"I have an idea! Lets play Hide and Seek!"  
  
CLAIRE  
"No way! That game is for babies!"  
  
LEON  
"Yeah, we're grown-ups, Barry. We'd rather spend our time doing grown-up stuff, like having sex and drinking beer."  
  
BARRY  
"Aw, c'mon, guys! It could be really fun!"  
  
CHRIS  
"Aw, hell! Let's do it!"  
  
LEON  
"Well, alright. I'm up for it."  
  
BARRY  
"Jill? Claire?"  
  
JILL  
"Fine!"  
  
CLAIRE  
"Sure!"  
  
BARRY  
"Excellent! Chris, you can be 'it', okay?"  
  
CHRIS  
"A-Alright, if you insist."  
  
BARRY  
"You have to count to 100. And no peeking!"  
  
Chris covers his eyes and the others run off. Barry and Jill run upstairs, while Claire and Leon head off into the dinning room.  
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - EVENING  
  
WESKER, ZOMBIE, HUNTER AND LICKER are all sat at the table.  
  
ZOMBIE  
"So, why aren't you hangin' out with your weird friends tonight, Captain?"  
  
WESKER  
"I'm too busy..."  
  
HUNTER  
"Doin' what? You've been sat here all night wit' us. That doesn't sound like a busy man to me."  
  
WESKER  
"Okay! Okay! They wouldn't let me hang out with them, you satisified?!"  
  
LICKER  
"Why, Captain?"  
  
WESKER  
"Well, Barry and Chris are still pissed off at me cause I had sex with Jill, and the other two morons... well, they just plain don't like me."  
  
LICKER  
"Aw, that's lick tough, Captain."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Yeah, but we'll always be there for you."  
  
HUNTER  
(Singing)  
"When the rain starts to fall."  
  
ZOMBIE  
(Singing)  
"We'll be there for you."  
  
HUNTER  
(Singing)  
"Cause you're there for me too."  
  
Suddenly, Leon and Claire burst into the room.  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Holy crap! It's that hot sexy woman with the cute butt!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Yeah, and she has that idiot cop with her too!"  
  
CLAIRE  
"C'mon, Leon, hurry!"  
  
LEON  
"I'm going as fast as I can!"  
  
WESKER  
"Ahem!"  
  
CLAIRE  
"Oh, Captain Wesker. W-We thought you were spending the night in the lab with your weird friends..."  
  
LICKER  
"Weird friends?!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"I think they mean Beardy and the others."  
  
LICKER  
"Oh, yeah. That figures. Those guys are really weird."  
  
LEON  
"Excuse us, we're just passing through."  
  
Leon and Claire walk past them and leave through another door in the dinning room.  
  
WESKER  
"Mmm, that young woman IS hot!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"But I thought you liked that Jill chick?"  
  
WESKER  
"I love all the sexy women! I must have Claire!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Not gonna be easy, Captain. Not while that damn excuse for a policeman is around."  
  
WESKER  
"You're right, Hunter. Hmm, we shall have to get rid of him."  
  
LICKER  
"How, Captain?"  
  
WESKER  
"Zombie, Hunter, Licker, I have a job for you all."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Oh, God! Here it comes!"  
  
INT. MAIN HALL - EVENING  
  
Chris is counting.  
  
CHRIS  
"98-99-100! Ready or not, here I come!"  
  
He opens his eyes and looks around the hall.  
  
CHRIS  
"Aha! I smell Barry!"  
  
He runs upstairs.  
  
INT. SPARE ROOM - EVENING  
  
Barry and Jill are hiding under the bed.  
  
JILL  
"Do you think he'll find us here?"  
  
BARRY  
"He will unless you shut up!"  
  
JILL  
(Sarcastically)  
"Sorry, Mr. Grumpy!"  
  
BARRY  
"Shut up!"  
  
JILL  
"I was just having a laugh..."  
  
BARRY  
"Well, don't because-"  
  
Suddenly, they hear the bedroom door begin to open.  
  
BARRY  
(Whispers)  
"Quiet! I think it's him!"  
  
Barry and Jill move further back under the bed. A hand then reaches under and grabs Jill's arm.  
  
JILL  
"Argh! Chris! You sure have cold hands!"  
  
Jill is then pulled out from under the bed. Barry tries to get back even further.  
  
JILL (O.S)  
"Argh! Barry! Help!"  
  
BARRY  
(To himself)  
"Damn! Wait-a-go and blow out my hiding place, Jill!"  
  
He climbs out from under the bed. His jaw drops. The zombie, the hunter and the licker have Jill surrounded.  
  
JILL  
"Barry, do something!"  
  
BARRY  
"Oh, Jesus! I forgot to equip myself! Don't panic, Jill!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Mmm, this girl has great titties!"  
  
JILL  
"Hands off, asshole!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Yeah, hands off, asshole! Captain Wesker doesn't want Claire covered in your greasy slime!"  
  
JILL  
"Captain Wesker?! Claire?!"  
  
LICKER  
"Silence, you lick sex slave! What Captain Wesker wants, Captain Wesker lick gets! Take her away, boys!"  
  
BARRY  
(Laughs)  
"You monsters must be mistaken. This isn't Claire Redfield. It's Jill Valentine. You've just botched up!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"WHAT?! Dammit!"  
  
HUNTER  
"Okay, let her go."  
  
They release Jill from their grasp.  
  
HUNTER  
"Now, do you folks have any idea where Claire Redfield is?"  
  
BARRY  
"She's hiding. Y'see, we're all playing Hide and Seek. Try looking in the dinning room; that's where she headed off."  
  
ZOMBIE  
"We know. We saw her. C'mon, guys. Let's go check the rest of the house. They couldn't have gotten far."  
  
They start to leave the room when the door opens and Chris walks in.  
  
CHRIS  
"Ha! Found you!"  
  
BARRY  
"Goddammit!"  
  
INT. STOREROOM - EVENING  
  
Leon and Claire are inside the storeroom. They are both screwing on the bed.  
  
CLAIRE  
"Oh, fuck! Yes! C'mon, Leon! You can do it!"  
  
LEON  
(Going cock-eyed)  
"Damn, damn, damn! Yeah!"  
  
Just then, the door opens and the zombie, the hunter and the licker walk in.  
  
LICKER  
"At last! We have lick found you!"  
  
CLAIRE  
"Argh! Monsters! And they've seen me naked!"  
  
LEON  
"Stop looking at her knockers!"  
  
HUNTER  
"But they're so tasty! I must have them!"  
  
He jumps towards Claire. Leon punches him to the floor.  
  
ZOMBIE  
(To Hunter)  
"Haha! Now you know how I felt!"  
  
LEON  
"What the hell do you fiends want?!"  
  
ZOMBIE  
"Captain Wesker demands to speak with the one you call Claire."  
  
LICKER  
"Hand her lick over!"  
  
LEON  
"Go to hell!"  
  
HUNTER  
(Getting off the floor)  
"Oh, I've been there. It's very nice."  
  
The door opens again. This time Chris, Jill and Barry are there.  
  
CHRIS  
"Great! Now I've found everyone! And, Jill, I guess you're 'it' next."  
  
JILL  
(Sarcastically)  
"How wonderful!"  
  
CHRIS  
"Okay, back to the main hall, everyone!"  
  
Everybody begins to leave the room. Claire and Leon get dressed.  
  
CLAIRE  
"Hey, Leon, you wanna hide in the bathroom this time?"  
  
LEON  
"Oh, baby!"  
  
INT. DINNING ROOM - EVENING  
  
Wesker is sitting alone at the table.  
  
WESKER  
"Where the heck is everbody?! I want some hot sex with Claire Redfield!"  
  
He starts to cry.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
THE END  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


End file.
